Melanie's blog

The Yoga of Baseball and Softball

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

I parent like I teach yoga - calmly, directly, boldy, with a lot of reasurrance and strength.  I don't make a big deal about what is expected, but I expect a lot.  I talk in an even tempered voice most all of the time and I make a lot of space for the individual. It's such a privilege to do both of these things.  I wouldn't trade either of them.

I watch my children playing sports very differently.  I yell; I'm loud; I am not consistent or calm.  The upside is that I am almost always encouraging and am definitely still direct.  It's been an interesting process to watch this side of myself emerge on the sidelines of Noah's baseball games and Ren's softball games.  Most often I'm keeping track of the pitch count at Noah's games and keeping score at Ren's games.  I always know what is going on, who is winning, who's pitching, who's doing what.  I'm not even competitive (usually). I have made my life about yoga - a tangile, physical, intense practice that is not about winning, being good, or getting anywhere.  This practice is what grounds me in this human body.

Something about my child being on the field changes everything.  It's not even that I care if they win.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I want them to win so I can see that grin on their face, but it doesn't really matter to me.  Ren's team doesn't even tell the kids the score and they never know who's winning or losing. 

No, it's not about the winning - it's about watching them in their bodies, really in their bodies, and finding their strength.  It's about being their biggest fan out in the bleachers and wanting them to succeed for the sake of learning something and getting better at it.  It's about the anticipation of what might happen next.

 

I have yet to find the yoga of baseball and softball in my spectatorship.  I keep telling myself before each game to keep my mouth shut, to turn off the vritti, to breathe deeply each time Noah's behind the plate catching, or Ren is playing first base.  And then moments later, I find myself yelling:

"Be ready Yankees (Noah's team)."

"This one is yours Bumblebees (Ren's team)." 

"Throw it in the glove."

"Smack the snot out of the ball."

"Move faster Noah."

"Keep your eye on the ball Ren." 

And once again, I've been loud, and a little unruly, and I am rooting not only for my children, but for every child on their team.  Ren has a game tomorrow, I will begin again . . .

Om Shanti

Four Months Later

April 19, 2013

It's been four months since I've been back in my daily life from my blissful Australia trip.  Life continues to turn, pareting continues to bring me to knees (as does my yoga practice), and I keep trying to stay open to it all. 

We need more love in this world.

We need more parents who are willing to do the hard work and teach their children limits, alongside freedom, because freedom with out understanding limits is actually not freedom at all.   I'm still contemplating how to say this better, how to convey what it is I actually believe about this . . .

 

Yesterday in the car I entered into a discussion with Noah.  He was asking why some kids are so rude to each other and disrespectful to adults.   I said, "well it could possibly be two things:  1.  the people in their lives are treating them rudely and with disrespect, and thus they do the same to others, or; 2. noone around them has taken them the time to teach them." 

He asked, "why would their parents not teach them these things?" 

I told him how difficult it is at times for parents to see their children unhappy (myself included).  I told him that there is this desire to give children freedom, to say no and then yes, to parent without limits, because parents don't want their children to "suffer" and it's hard work setting limits and boundaries and being consistent. 

Parents take the easy road (which turns out not to be easy at all in the end).  They say yes a lot without the proper guidance for children to learn what it means to sit with the feeling of not getting what they want, when they want it.  It's important for us to all to be able to sit with discomfort, to drop in and notice, to build compassion.  When parents fail to set limits, they are actually robbing their children of the ability to drop into sensation, emotion, agony, intensity, and ultimately joy.

He said, "but then won't they just suffer later if they don't understand it as they grow up?"

I take a deep breath and take in what I've just heard my my wise, wise child of 11 say to me.  "I love you Noah."  I say.  "To the moon and beyond."

Then he, Ren, and I proceed into a discussion of their preschool days and tantrums and who did what and when.  They want to relive the details of their toddler years.  They ask me about their first words and what they did when they were "little." 

Ren at age 8, and Noah at age 11, don't see themselves as little anymore - it's all about perspective I guess.

Om Shanti

Headed Home

Monday, December 10, 2012

My last day

The last two days of practice have seen my sweat flying in every direction.  I have wrapped my fingers around my heels in kapotasana, kept that slippery baby off the ground in karandavasan, put my legs behind my head numerous times and done more backbends than I can count.  I must have done at least 20 drop backs into back bend in just Sunday's practice alone.  Dena kept having me drop back over and over and over again.  Then I did handstand forever.  Then she walked away and I went into forward bend. 

She came back over and said, "Melanie, what are you doing?"  I said, "forward bend."  She said, "get back up.  You are going up and over."  I started laughing so hard.  My body felt a little like jello.  But, up and over I went.  Up to handstand, over to back bend, up to standing.  I practiced for almost three hours. Sweat was flying off of my body, every which way.  I feel happy.  I feel good.

Today it was pretty much the same thing.  Deep, profound, intense and good - back bend over and over again leading into Viparita Chakrasana prep over and over again.

Throughout this trip I have felt excuberant, worn out, emotional, elated, energized, exhausted, nauseous, joyous and everything in between.  I have worked my tail off here and been present for every moment along the path.

Here are some photos from in and around the Yoga Shala in Byron Bay:

Heading home

Thank you so much to everyone who has emailed me about the blogs over the past two weeks.  I love hearing from you and knowing that we are staying connected on this journey.  I will be back to teaching on Wednesday, December 12.

I am ready to head home and integrate all that I've learned into my teacing, practice, and life. I have been on, what feels like, a yogic cleanse these last two weeks. I have been able to fully immerse in a lifestyle that completely supports my practice.  The real testement to my practice will be whether I can thread this magic into my life, the lives of my students, and everyone I come into contact with.

I am so grateful to have a teacher who sees me, honors me, challenges me and belives in me. Thank you Dena.  Thank you Ashtanga.  Thank you to all of those teachers who came before me and made this practice possible.

Om Shanti

The practice is your best teacher

Friday, December 7, 2012

  

Of all the teachers, your practice is the best teacher of them all (DK).  It is the truest reflection back in the mirror.  It is the teacher who greets you in the dim light of the morning when no one else is watching.  It is the reflection of the heart and body.  It bares the truth, when we care to see.  It bares the truth even when we are looking off somewhere else.  It keeps us honest.

Daily practice

For this reason, daily practice (whether at home or in the shala, whether asana or sitting) is essential.  If we practice here and there, we might get caught up in the difficulty, the ease, the ego, the story, and miss out on the true teaching.

Every day we must get on the mat and take the arms over head and see what follows.  Even if this is all that gets done, the truth will be revealed; we will begin to see that we are not our thoughts and that are thoughts are not the truth. 

Yoga Sutras, Book 1:12-1:14, discusses this idea - by cultivating practice and non-attachment, we begin to control the thoughts;  practice is the effort toward stillness and steadiness and it only becomes well-grounded in the truth when continued with reverent devotion and without interruption over a long period of time.

Without interruption over a long period of time - that is our best teacher - because that is what it takes.

My practice

I practice every day, without fail.  Sometimes that means one and half hours, even when my to do list is the size of Australia and I am grumpy.  Sometimes it means sitting still on my mat and falling in love with the breath.  Sometimes it means 10 sun salutations, because that is all the exhale I can spare.  Sometimes it means I practice for 2 and a half hours and experience love, fear, exhaustion, bliss, and relief.  In my opinion, the merit of the practice is not based on anything fancy or long, it is simply based on the reverent devotion to practice.

On Tuesday, Dena gave me the preparation for a new pose.  On Wednesday, she officially gave me the pose - pose one of third series or Advanced practice (depending on who you ask).  In the eventual pose, the body is in side plank with one leg lifted up, while holding onto the big toe with the first and second fingers.  Core strength, arm strength, flexible hamstrings and balance all come into play in this dynamic asana.  Sheesh.  I approach it the same way I have done all new poses.  I fall down.  I crash.  I get back up.  I try again.  I wobble.  I laugh.  I question.  I laugh some more.  I breathe.  I say thank you.

Om Shanti

And that I reckon, is the best I can do

Thursday, December 6, 2012

desire is to miss

to miss is to long

to long

is too long

without you     poem by gyan, Bear in Mind, 2012

Night out on the town

Tonight I went to a poerty reading of sorts.  The woman who owns the boatshed, the little one room studio I've been staying in during my time in Bryon Bay, is a talented singer, songwriter and author.  She invited me to the book launch of her new book Bear in Mind.  It was lovely. 

Tonight is the only time I've been out in the evening during my trip here.  By choice, I've gone to bed early and arisen with the sun (and the chirping, howling, singing birds).

This poem spoke to me.  My trip is about half way through and I'm beginning to feel the pull for home.  The longing to be back with children in arms, students on yoga mats, and love nearby.

Missing creates a deep ache inside of me.  An ache I welcome.  An ache I am grateful for.  It lets me know there is something worth cominng home to.  I welcome it, because on some level, I know it is temporary.

It always comes back to the yoga . . .

Luckily, I have the privelege of coming home to myself every time I step on my yoga mat.  That is what Dena offers me through her teaching - a place that welcomes without judgment.  This trip has reminded me of the freedom of letting go; the freedom that comes from forgiving instead of judging; the freedom that comes from NOT contorting around someone else's needs; the freedom that comes from undoing.

Freedom is what many of us seek on this path.  Freedom from suffering.  Quieting the mind long enough to have a love affair with the breath, long enough to still the relentless thoughts that keep coming and coming.  Those brief moments, when pratyahara is realized (as fleeting as it may be), and we recede from the distraction of the senses, and into the land of stillness, we begin to taste this freedom.

The cemetery

The other day I spent two hours walking around the East Ballina Cemetery.  I was fascinated by all of the stories, the goodbyes, the grief, the longing, the force with which we love.  I knew no one in this cemetery, and yet I could feel the loss of loved ones.  As I walked through the graves, reading many of the tombstones, I found myself thinking that nothing prevents this part of life.  No matter how much yoga I do, how graciously and compassionately I live my life, the end will come.  One day I will wake up and it will be my last. 

As I reread Gyan's poem, I wonder if her poem was about losing her mum.  I know her mom died when she was young.  I wonder if she's been aching for her mother throughout her life. I know that ache.  Not of a mother.  But, I know the deep ache of missing someone who is never coming back.  The loss that leaves a gap.

Many people in my life:  students, friends, family, have experienced loss recently.  What do we do with that grief?  That loss?  How do we create a place for it to live without taking us with it?  Can we use the breath and the body to feel the pulse and vibration?  Can we sit near the ocean to know life continues on?

Attachments

I admit, I am truly attached to my life.  I am attached to making it back to Berkeley safely and enveloping Noah and Ren into my arms.  I am attached to kissing my partner's smile when I get off the plane.  

I make my living teaching yoga.  I am dependent on people wanting to transform.  It is a huge gift and honor to impart the knowledge of prana and asana and pranayama and dharana . . .  to others.  I make sense of it like this:  helping others evolve into their best selves and creating a place for people to arrive as they are, creates a bit of longevity.  So, even when I am not on this earth, even when I am long gone, hopefully there will be gardens growing from all the seeds I've seen planted and helped to water.  And that I reckon, is the best I can do.

Om Shanti

I Begin When I Am Scared

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Byron Bay, Australia

What if the doorway is not through struggle and effort?   What if softness and letting go lead us through the door?  What is so scary about letting go? 

What are you scared of?  Pause here for a moment.  Breathe  deeply.  Ask again.  Ask yourself, “Self, what am I scared of?”  Over and over again keep asking this question.  If you come up with nothing, chances are you are not fully alive.

I feel my feet at the front of my mat and breathe.  “Vande Gurunam Caranaravinde . . .”  Tapping into this ancient source I begin.  I inhale my arms over head and exhale release my spine and head toward my legs.  I inhale lengthen my spine and lift my heart.  I exhale back into chaturanga.  In this way, every day, I begin my practice.  

I begin when I am scared.  I begin when I am open. I begin when I am lonely.   I begin when my body feels like singing.  I begin when my body feels like crying.  I begin when I am in love.  I begin when I am heartbroken.  I begin when I am in Berkeley.  I begin when I am in Byron Bay.  The same way - with the same beloved breath, I begin.

Dena asked me on day two what I wanted her help with during my time here.  I told her I wanted her help to keep walking through, and working with, my fear. 

“Ok,” she said.  She didn’t ask what I was scared of - whether it was a particular asana or a particular situation in life.

Today in practice, my body felt good.  It was a day of pure song - steady, solid, focused, and free.   That is until, I began to approach kapotasana.  My heart started to race and I could feel Dena’s eyes upon me.  “Here it is,” I thought.  “This is what you asked for.  This is what you are scared of.  Clearly she knows.”  I have come to peace with this pose when I am practicing at home.  In this moment, I realize that it is no longer the pose in and of itself that scares me.  It’s the adjustment in the pose that scares me.  In this pose you are lifting up on your knees.  You backbend, reaching your arms up and back.  Ultimately placing your head on the ground and your hands on your feet.  For me, it is the most vulnerable asana that I have experienced - to have my heart fully exposed while my head sets on the ground and my hands cover my feet, and then to have someone come and place their hands on me. 

As I was trying to settle my mind and heart and ground through my knees and the tops of my feet, Dena arrived at the front of my mat.  “Let’s see what you got” she said.  I inhaled my arms up overhead and then exhaled them back as slowly as i could while lengthening through my waist.  She said, “breath!”  She took my hands and moved them to my heels and held them there.  “Breath!” she emphasized. 

“One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .  five.  Straighten your arms.  One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .  five.  Come up.” 

At that point I began swimming in the tumultuous sea. I was somewhere under water.  I knew she was saying something else, but I could no longer hear her.  I stayed incredibly still.  I looked up and she was helping someone in another pose and she looked at me.  I said, “I know you told me to do something, but I didn’t understand you.”  She said, “I know.  Just wait.” 

She came over to my mat again and told me to do three urdhva danurasanas (full backbends) and then do two more kapotasanas.  I felt like I was going to vomit. I felt like my heart was going to take flight and leap from my body.  I’m pretty sure I cursed her in my mind.  I told her my back hurt.  She said, “like there is a catch or like there is a deep, deep ache?” 

“A deep ache,” I said. 

“Oh, that’s ok.  That’s good.  Three back bends and then two more kapotasanas.”

After my three back bends, there she was at the front of my mat again.  I was hoping to do these next two kapotasanas solo.  But, to no avail, she was there helping me again.  She looked into my eyes before the last one and said, “this one will be the easiest, because now you are completely warmed up.”

When my practice was over and I lay in savasana, I felt incredibly alive.  The question came into my mind,     “What are you scared of?”  “What are you scared of?”  Answers began to spill forth as tears streamed steadily from my eyes.  

It occurs to me that I keep trying as hard as I can to let go, but what if the doorway is not through struggle and effort?  What if the letting go is not through doing, but rather undoing.  What if it is as soft and effortless as the tears flowing down my cheeks?

Om. Shanti.

 

Byron Bay

Thursday, November 29, 2019

Byron Bay Australia

It is 10:30 am on Thursday, November 29th in Byron Bay.  It is 3:30 pm on Wednesday, November 28th in Berkeley, CA.  From the time I left my house in Berkeley on Sunday to head to the airport, to the time I arrived in Byron Bay at the boat shed (the little one room studio where I am staying on Beachcomber Dr.) it was more than 24 hours of travel, plus the loss of a day due to the 19 hour time change.  I left Berkeley on a Sunday and arrived in Byron Bay late on a Tuesday.

My journey in this lifetime, continues to be one of walking through fear.   This is the first time I’ve traveled solo.  The first time I have traveled away from my children half-way across the world.  The first time I figured it all out. The thing about fear is, once you move to the other side - there is this feeling of empowerment waiting.  Getting here to Byron Bay this time reminded me of the journey of my second birth.  The path is a familiar one because I’ve been here before, but at the same time I’ve never done it this way.  The last time I was here in Byron Bay was almost exactly three years ago.  I was here with my children and my ex-partner.  We came here as a family, even though we were living in two homes and ending a relationship. 

Just like giving birth to my daughter Ren, this journey was familiar and yet so incredibly different.  During my pregnancy with her and preparation for childbirth, I wanted two things.  I wanted to let go of everything, so that I could not push for three hours and I wanted to stay with myself and birth her with full awareness of my body and her body.  Birth was familiar because I’d given birth to my son and yet it was still the complete unknown because I’d never given birth to Ren.

Leading up to this trip, I was overcome with anxiety about so many things.  Anxiety about leaving Noah and Ren and traveling so far away; traveling alone; arriving to see my teacher broken (I injured my wrist  badly); leaving my students and the yoga studio in Berkeley; leaving my girlfriend; primarily, I was scared of the ultimate loss of control - death.  What if I died on this trip and left everything behind?

Just as in childbirth, this trip felt like I was on my way to the ultimate loss of control - in birthing this very important part of myself.  I’m not completely sure what this part is, but I feel it emerging and blossoming into something.

And so it is with all of my imperfectness that I arrive on my mat at The Yoga Shala in Byron Bay with Dena.  In true Dena fashion, we began our practice this morning with a sit.  Unlike Mysore practice in the States, where students begin their practice as they arrive.  At Dena’s studio, we all begin together with a sit.  Dena invites us to take part in Swadhyaya (self-study).  We move from the thinking room to the quiet room and begin the love affair with the beloved breath.  In and out.

She talks about the many obstacles in our path that we will undoubtedly encounter over and over and over again.  These obstacles and pit falls are part of the practice; part of being human.  We can not control their arrival or departure.  We can only control our attitudes.  We can choose the attitude we take towards everything.

It is really that simple. 

After a bit of pranayama, we commenced our practice with the opening chant.  For two hours I practiced.  I felt steady and took good care of my injured wrist.  I held back a little and stayed in, focused, and strong.  Nothing fancy.  Nothing amazing.  Just me and my yoga mat.

Today was unlike three years ago when Dena helped me with karandavasana over and over again and was on me not to “drop the baby.”  Three years ago she said, “ok, imagine you have a baby in your arms and it is small and slippery.  You can’t drop it.  If your butt hits the ground, then you’ve dropped the baby.  Don’t drop the baby.” 

In karandavasana, you begin in forearm balance (pincha mayurasana) and place your legs in lotus.  With the legs in lotus, you lower the knees into the armpits while balancing on the forearms.  The butt stays off the ground and you hover there for five breaths.  Then, you take the legs back up into pincha mayurasana and then lower into chaturanga. 

Today, while I was lowering, my lotus knees into my armpits, Dena came over and lightly helped me balance and hover for one, two, three, four, five breaths.  Today was another day that I would keep hold of that small slippery baby.  I’m curious to see what happens when she watches, instead of helps, and how in the world I will ever be able to get back up into pincha mayurasana by myself. 

Because of my injured wrist I had to modify some postures and back off a little.  Today that felt good.  Today I was able to meet myself within my limits, without forcing anything.  Today I held onto my truth and let go of the place I am trying to get.  Because really, what even happens when we get there and where are we going anyway?   

Om. Shanti.
     

Day Two

Monday, November 5, 2012

Woke up this morning and warmed my sesame oil infused with lavendar and began the long strokes of the abyanga massage.  Paused and took some long deep breaths.  Drank my digestive tea with ghee, made my kitchari for the day and rushed off to teach yoga to fourth graders.  I was able to pause many times this morning since I woke up early.  Somehow once the oil was rinsed off in a hot shower my day started moving more quickly.   I was running late and needed to be out the door.

Even so, I thoroughly enjoed the moment of massaging oil into my body and the 20 minutes of waiting before I could rinse it off.  Each of my days is incredibly full with little time to pause.  This cleanse always reminds me to check in with myself and see if there is anything I can do differently.  Because there are no substances to ingest to dull the emotions which arise, I am left to simply notice them, notice myself, and be with them.

Sometimes it feels like there is nothing that a smoothie from Cafe Gratitude can't solve, or a soy chai latte, or a piece of salted dark chocolate.  Oh how my mind is craving.  The teaching that I have learned over and over from my yoga practice is "no craving; no aversion."  Of course, as soon as the cleanse begins I notice how much I crave for these things, because I have eliminated them.

Not only does this cleanse give me a chance to recognize the ingestible things I crave, but also the desire to be happy, satiated and energized.  This is the way I feel most comfortable in my body. 

I feel good and free and clear today.  For now I am able to pay attention to the craving and let it pass without much effort.  For now I am able to enjoy the way my body feels without sugar, dairy, meat, alcohol, caffeine, and processed foods.  For now I am able to honor the sadness or anger that emerges from deep down.

For now I am at peace.

Om Shanti.

 

Fall Cleanse

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Tomorrow will be the first day of my annual Fall cleanse.  Cleansing the body of toxins, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, refined and processed foods helps the physical body work better:  boosts the immune system, supports the digestive system, in particular the small intestine, supports liver function, aids in metabolism, resets the palette, removes allergens, etc.  More importantly, it cleanses the mind by creating a simple diet without distraction.

The daily decisions about what to eat, where to eat, and what to cook are eliminated.  Instead, these things are already decided upon.  On this cleanse, based in the Ayurvedic tradition, the main diet is kitchari (or sometimes spelled kitchidi).  It is a simple diet of mung beans, basmati rice, ghee, cilantro and spices.  There are also optional snacks of sunflower seeds and a digestive yogurt takra.  Before each meal the digestive fire is increased by drinking warm liquid, most often ginger tea or a digestive tea with cumin, corriander, fennel and licorice root.

Each morning begins with a self-massage of warm sesame oil (http://www.chopra.com/abhy) to help with the cleansing process.  Aside from the myriad of benefits of this self-massage, it just plain feels good and is an incredibly noroushing way to start the day.  While the oil soaks in the body, there is a chance for slowing down and drinking a cup of ghee tee (tea with a tsp of ghee in it).  After about 20 minutes a warm shower is taken to help the rest of the oil penetrate into the skin and do its magic.

More than anything about the cleanse, I like the way it slows me down and creates space in my life.  My body feels sacred and my mind feels incredibly clear.  Typically on day four however, I start to get a little tired of the same meal over and over again.  At this point my mind takes over.  Even though my body is receiving very nutrious food and doesn't actually need anything, my mind begins to need chocolate.  Every time I cleanse, it's always chocolate that I want.   I am usually able to wait it out, add more spices to my food, eat an extra sunflower seed snack, and stay steady.

Eating is such a primal experience. When we remove the ability to eat out of reaction, boredom, and habit, often emotions arise.  Sometimes I feel grumpy or rebellious about this feeling of restriciton, and want to say _ _ _ _ this.  More times than not, I hold steady, drop into my breath, and continue on to the end because I know how important it is to investigate and process whatever it is that arises.

Tomorrow begins the cleanse.  We'll see how I feel when I'm in the midst of it. 

Om Shanti.

 

Preparation

October 8, 2012

I am preparing my heart for Thursday.  It will be Milo's last day on this earth.  At 3 pm we will take him to the vet for his last breath.  Someone told me today how much courage I have to make this decision.  Long ago, when I had to put dear, sweet Midnight down, and again years later when I had to put my dear, sweet, three-legged cat Gepetto down, the vet told me she'd never had anyone say they put their animal down too early, but many people she knew had waited too long.

And I wonder, how do you know?

I've shed tears, reached out to friends, loved Milo up, and sat quietly.  Now, it's time to prepare my heart and my children for his upcoming passing.  What a gift to know when it will come.  What a gift that we will witness his last breath.

I am so sad today.  I am sad about losing Milo and all of the experiences that Milo will take with him.  He's been with me through my entire journey of motherhood.  14 years is such a long time to have had this sentient being in my life.  And now, I have to let go.

When Zoe was about four years old,  she was looking at Milo one day, and said, "Milo looks like a king."  Goodbye Milo the king.  The king of best tail wags. 

Today, Noah said, "Mama, Milo is one of the main reasons we have so much joy in our lives."  Goodbye Milo the king of joy.  We will miss you so very much. 

It's been a while since you greeted any of us at the door with your entire body wagging like the slinky dog.  I know you want to.  It's just too painful now.

We love you Milo.

Om Shanti.